Category: Chapters of freedom

Chapters of Freedom: Embracing uncertainty

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Lately I have been experiencing anxiety. It arises from uncertainty about the future, stays with me for a while and then subdues into the abyss of unconsciousness. Despite unchanged external events, anxiety comes and goes, teaching me how the cause and the cure are not to be found outside, but are only to be addressed through fine-tuning of the inside.

To provide a bit of context – I have been standing on the verge of quite a change. I have been working for corporates for almost 10 years and have build a great career in one of the most demanding, impactful and prestige business environments, clinging on to certainty of such predetermined path to success. However, the more I unravel myself, the more I understand walking a predetermined path is not for me – I need to make it my own. I am yearning for freedom, independency and an adventure of building something limitless in its potential.

However, the anxiety I am experiencing is sometimes paralyzing. It craves for the known, for the promises of system’s security. It opposes to the nature of things, withholding me from jumping into the abyss of the unknown. It whispers: “You are not good enough. You will never succeed doing what you like. You have to compromise.” Coming from a post-war, post-communist Yugoslavia, such conditioning is embedded in my family and cultural heritage. I grew up believing money is bad and reserved to war criminals and thieves, success only happens if you come from a wealthy family, there is general scarcity of resources and we are built to work for and not to own.

Overcoming these limiting beliefs is an evolving process, and sometimes it seems never ending. Remember the path is that of a spiral – through dedicated practice, we keep on thinning our limiting beliefs by iterating lessons again and again, until the samskara (seed mental impression) itself dissolves. The victory is embedded in the process as growth is embedded in hardships. I made this blog about cracking the code on how to unravel – and for this particular code I found there are two main formulas to remember.

Uncertainty = Freedom = Creativity

First is to understand the mechanism behind the security/uncertainty coin. Security is nothing more then attachment to the known, to our past. There is no evolution in that, no creation, no expansion – just stagnation through stale repetition of outworn memories. Our tormentor today is our self left over from yesterday. On the other hand, uncertainty is the only place where something new can happen. If we have a clear idea of what is to happen, we shut down a whole range of possibilities. But if we step into the unknown, we open ourselves to limitless possibilities of creation. It is in our willingness to step into the unknown that we find freedom.

To be willing to step into the unknown, we need to accept and detach. To accept starts with accepting ourselves (our humanity) and to detach starts with understanding who we truly are (being). From detachment comes the freedom to create – as we let go of our past and tap into the limitless potential of our being. If we can experience the being, then we can experience detachment with ease – as detachment is embedded in the very nature of our being.

Confidence + Faith = Embracing uncertainty

Second is to practice our willingness to step into the unknown. This is done by cultivating two essential qualities: confidence (in ourselves) and faith (in universe). The first element – confidence – in my native language translates as self-reliance. In other words, to be confident for me means to be assured I can rely on myself in any situation. It is a combination of deep, peaceful feeling in my body and a clear intellectual understanding of the reason why. The feeling is of integrity, smoothness, lava like density and melted gold. The feeling supports intellectual understanding in a way it integrates it into our psychology by forming a new, positive belief and changing our responsive habits. There is a difference between mere intellectual processing of reason why I should be confident and integration of that reasoning into a new belief – and the difference lies in the feeling. The reason why (for example, my virtues, past achievements and skills) serve as a raw input, as the feeling then transforms it into a clarity of insight and finally forges it into a new belief. (To get a guidance on how to find the feeling, check the end of the post.)

The second element to embracing uncertainty is to have faith. To cultivate faith is to cultivate ishvara pranidana, our connection and surrender to the Source. For me, this happens two-folds. Firstly, I am re-discovering my faith through playful connection with different deities. All these deities for me represent an embodiment of a certain quality, certain sublime energy which is so pure and divine in its essence, that by finding and cultivating it in myself I remember my own divinity. Now the second layer comes in, because, guess what – the Divine IS the Source IS the Being IS You. So the next time when you practice resting in the being, try looking for that underlying connection to everything that is. When we experience awareness, we realize awareness is all-pervasive and all that exists in it is one and the same thing – is awareness itself. This insight happens when we overcome the illusion of ahamkara, the I-ness, or the primary concept of separation (I exist as an individual that is different from you). If there is no concept of I, then what is left is pure awareness without separation of the things that exist in that awareness. I do not exist as separate from you, as we both exist in our awareness. (To play a bit with the concept of separation, check the “You are the Sofa” meditation.)

By combining confidence and faith, we create a bulletproof tactic that strengthens our will to overcome whatever conditioning or negative feeling holds us back and to embrace the unknown. We become more assured that everything is gonna be alright, actually much better then alright – we understand that what awaits us is the next step in our evolution, an experience that is beyond our current capacity to imagine.

I will conclude by one of my favorite guidelines: Don’t overthink and just go into the fear. This is the very definition of courage and the only way to overcome whatever you are afraid of. Godspeed.

To cultivate confidence or any other virtue or positive belief, one first has to experience what it feels like in your body. This can be done through simple meditation.

  • Close your eyes and take some time to get yourself in a meditative state, either through pranayama or 10-min of breath focus meditation. It is important to get our minds a bit quieter and to be able to keep our focus steady for an extended period of time, as this skill will allow us to sink deeper into the feeling and gain insight.
  • Once your mind feels present and calm, focus on how your body feels, especially in the area of your first, second and third chakra. Then start repeating “I am confident”. The key is to keep your attention focused on your body, and your attitude in the position of the observer, while repeating the phrase.
  • Once you notice a subtle feeling in your body arising, go for it. It is as if you allow yourself – your attention – to sink deeper into that feeling, deeper into your flesh. Keep your focus on the feeling and allow it to grow until it overwhelms your attention. You will notice it has always been there, strong and present, and you just unraveled layers of noise in order to experience it more clearly.
  • Rest in that feeling for how long you need to get truly familiar in it and allow your process to unravel in a way that is specific to your system in order to integrate it. Whatever comes, embrace it and act on it – be it an insight, a self healing process, a continuation to different realizations or an urge to move. Finish in 10 minute savasana, releasing the experience.
  • You will find that it will become much easier to access this feeling on demand, even in our daily, busy monkey-mind consciousness. As a follow-up, sit and write down all the reasons why you can be self reliant (e.g. list of your skills, achievement, unique qualities, talents, education, etc.). Your intellectual understanding of the rationale behind will serve as a complementary piece to embedding your new belief and finally acting on it. Congratulations!

To experience a subtle insight on the illusion of separation, try this “You are Sofa” meditation:

  • Sit comfortably and take some time to quiet down your mind and enter the space, or in other words, to cultivate meta-awareness. Meta awareness is presence and awareness of everything: yourself and everything that exists outside of you. Keep you eyes opened and just notice what is around you.
  • Now choose one object to focus on, for example a sofa. Focus on the sofa and notice how it just exists there. Notice how your mind process the visual input of this object into a cognitive understanding how this object is what we call “a sofa” and what are its functions in relation to you.
  • Now notice a peculiar thing – existence of an external object in a relation to you. Notice the concept of I. Notice how it is nothing more but a concept, a thought. This concept is one of the primal components of your mind that allows us to experience and relate to the reality in the way we do, that defines us as humans. Will that sofa still be here if we remove the I? Most probably so. But it will cease to be a sofa, a concept whose functionality serves you, it will just be an unnamed object, unnamed thing that exists in the space and that you are able to perceive due to your senses.
  • Now notice how you can be aware of both the concept of a sofa and the concept of I. Play with the idea that, if you remove the concept of I, you remove the concept of sofa, you remove your cognitive understanding, processing and the storyline you have created about reality and all that is left is just awareness. Notice how everything just exists in awareness equally. In other words, the matter is the same, it just manifests in different forms. In other words, you are the awareness, are the sofa, are you.

Chapters of Freedom: How to manifest

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Manifestation is a recent “hot topic” that I stumble upon almost everywhere I look. From articles and books to online courses and one-on-one coaching on “how to manifest your reality” – it seems like more and more people are cracking the code of human mechanism. However, it also seems like a pretty good industry, preying on the basic human desire to get what we want and avoid what we don’t want. No one can teach you how to manifest – as you are already doing that just by being human. It is one of the ground rule of the Game – our reality is a product of our mind. How you perceive your reality is directly linked to what is in your mind. The more disconnected and identified we are, the more pain and misery we experience. On the other hand, the more we unravel and connect – the more we begin to live in synchronicity and with ease.

This should not scare you – it is just how it is and sooner we accept it and take responsibility over our minds, the better lives we will lead. Human nature is based on the principle of duality – hence the “negativity” is inevitable. Hardships are great – they exist so that we can learn and grow. They burn the impurities, identifications and conditionings. They unravel you towards your true self, towards the being. You might also perceive it like this: whenever a difficult situation presents itself in your life – that is just a part of your mind expressing itself so that you can let go, heal and expand. Don’t try to avoid the negativities and difficulties – it is impossible, as this is what makes us human. Embrace the challenge and next time try to approach it from a different angle – as you know that with each new hardship, you are setting yourself free.

However, we don’t need to only go through hardships to grow and expand – we have the power to unravel our minds in a more gentle way. That can be done through deliberate self-work and practice, in whatever form serves you the best. The path of yoga is my tool of choice, however, there are so many different tools today, both formal and informal, which serve towards unraveling. The only thing you need to check from time to time is the direction – is whatever you are doing to “work on yourself” leading to less, to the being, to simplification of your life; or does it add more complexity and identification to it? For example, if I am using yoga to dismantle my belief of not being good enough, but at the same time add on this “beautiful, spiritual yoga person” to my identity – it didn’t really do much.

In this direction, in this path between the awareness (the being) and the identification (the ego), lies embedded the principle of manifestation. The more we move towards the identification, the more out of alignment we feel with life. We may attract hardships or feel unsatisfied, as our reality is a solid projection of the content of our unconsciousness – and we have no idea what is there. Here is where the most manifestation techniques fail – as we cannot manifest just from our conscious mind (i.e. positive thinking or endless visualization of desired outcome) if we do not know what we hold in our unconsciousness. Our conscious mind is just a tip of the giant mind iceberg – and everything else under the surface is our unconsciousness. The mere size ratio between the two is a good indicator of which part of our mind holds the greatest power – and hence manifests the reality we experience. I am not saying you cannot change your reality by changing what you think – of course you can – but that takes quite some time and effort and is pretty difficult to completely dismantle your whole conditioning that is limiting to your reality in just one lifetime. It is like trying to move a big, heavy stone sculpture by pushing it – you will need to push really hard before it moves just an inch. All the progress achieved through such manifestation techniques is marginal compared to the energy invested. What I am saying is that there is a much faster way – there is a lever to lifting your stone sculpture just in changing how you think.

First of all, manifesting something from the position of wanting it is still manifesting from desire, from the ego. Did you ever experience how, as soon as you almost give up on your desires, they all of the sudden come to you? That is because you have started to move to the opposite direction – to the direction of awareness – and by doing so allowed the manifestation mechanism of the human mind to materialize the concept in your mind. Notice the difference – before you were manifesting from the desire, the grasp, the identification – which means pain (not getting what you want) – and by moving away from the desire, by releasing the gasp and deidentifying, you released the space for your natural manifestation powers to materialize the concept you had envisioned in the first place. Deidentifying and letting go is the key. This is how you allow yourself to drift to your natural state – the state of being, of pure awareness, from which all things emerge. And the more you progress towards the being, the more you can experience (not have – as possession is identification). You can experience anything you envision (not get what you want) – because the awareness is plenty – it is all there is. By doing so, you allow life to surprise you by brining you experiences your ego-self does not even have the capacity to imagine. You experience so much more then you could have ever wanted. You surrender yourself to life – you become what you are – the vessel of the limitless creation experiencing itself. Check your direction guys, that’ all there is to it.

Chapters of freedom: The Art of Listening to Yourself

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Freedom comes in many shapes and forms. It can be found in colors of the sunset, smell of the forest after the rain or sound of child’s laughter. It can be felt with your bare feet touching the Earth or while gazing at the stars. It can be pursued outside, however, it can only be found inside.

Freedom is a state of mind – a mind that is liberated from the grip of its conditioning. To arrive there means to understand there is nowhere to arrive. It takes many lifetimes, yet it happens in the split of a second. Several paths lead to freedom – the path of yoga, Buddhism, grace, devotion, loss and restoration…

Today I want to write about loss and restoration – and not just any, but those typical to “modern” woman – loss and restoration of her intuition and instinct.

Although the definitions of intuition vs instinct differ, both are deeply interconnected. Intuition is a deep, intrinsic knowledge without obvious deliberation. Instinct is a natural tendency to behave in a particular way. Both arise from the same place and both are languages through which the soul speaks to the mind.

If not nourished enough, both intuition and instinct can subside into deeper layers of our being, widening the gap between the ego (identity) and the self (essence). The wider the gap, the less are were in alignment with life. We may experience a series of unfortunate events, missteps or failures, all seemingly out of our control. On the other hand, if the ego is a vehicle of the self, we will be in alignment with the universe, effortlessly navigating this reality according to the soul input. Our ventures will flourish, as we will create and live with ease.

Two factors precede withdrawal of intuition and instinct – culture and conditioning. Our western culture is especially repressive to these intrinsic abilities. Analytical thinking is clearly favored to intuitive feeling, humans (and especially women) are required to adapt to linear measurement of time, contrary to their cyclical nature, and we are exposed daily to externalities harmful for our optimal mind-body balance. The mainstream life of “modern woman” is taking her further and further away from her wild, intrinsic nature, as it requires adaptation to predominantly masculine ways, in exchange for societal approval and acknowledgment. However, the main hardship to overcoming both cultural as well as personal obstacles to restoration of one’s intuition and instinct comes through our conditioning and subsequent refusal to face our fears.

Let me tell you a story of a young girl in her mid-20s. Still in her maiden archetype, she was still quite inexperienced and somewhat oblivious to the “dangers” of the real world. On top of that, she never received proper guidance nor had the opportunity to hear the wisdom of older, more experienced women – the system around her was just not set up that way. Her mother, as too many mothers today, was also oblivious to the same dangers – and she was never educated to understand her role in guiding her young. The sisterhood around her was still under a spell of rivalry, with women advised to perceive other women as their adversaries, rather then embrace them as sisters.

One day the girl was walking down the street and bumped into a tall, dark stranger. She thought nothing special of him, so she briefly mumbled the apology and continued her way. Next day, she was walking down the same street and bumped into the same guy again. This time she looked up, smiled to the coincidence but still continued her way, her mind being preoccupied with so many other things. The day after, she was again walking down the same street, except this time the stranger bumped into her. She stopped, looked up and felt a slight, trembling contraction in her gut. Before having time to acknowledge the feeling in her body, she got distracted by his hypnotizing words penetrating her mind. Third time is a charm. Can I buy you coffee?

Before she new it, they were already on a third date. She couldn’t quite read him yet, however, she thought it made him even more mysterious and attractive. That slight contraction in her gut was trembling faster, however, she mistakenly took it for excitement. He was persistent in courting her – showering her with attention, buying her presents and taking her to exciting weekend getaways. He was quite handsome and even more charming, and the sex was A-mazing. So with the first signs that something was off, she willingly decided to look into another direction – the direction of her hopeful expectations and the fairytale she always longed for. So what if he is a bit controlling? That just makes him more “manly”. So what if he is a bit coldish? I am sure I can help him open up to love.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Slowly but surely, she was sinking deeper and before she knew it – she was in deep over her head. What started as “a bit controlling” and “a bit coldish” unraveled into total dominance and complete emotional detachment. He was taking over her life, feeding on her energy and preying on her low self-worth. She was stuck in the victim mentality, completely unable to escape his mind games. She deliberately decided to repress the feeling in her gut, over and over again, convincing herself things are going to get better, only if…

But only ifs never happen. Things never change – men like this never change. They are manipulators and predators, for whatever sad reasons. The reasons don’t matter – as our job is not to save but to evade them. The reasons don’t matter – as women find themselves in abusive relationships not because of the men, but because of their conditionings and ignorance of their intuitive guidance.

We co-create such situations as they force us to face our fears and release limited conditionings. If we are willing to do so, we set ourselves free. However, if we are unwilling to face our shadows, we might stay entrapped or repeat same bad choices over and over again – until we finally decide to let go.

The role of intuition and instinct in regaining our freedom from our deepest conditioning is essential. That is why I call it The Art of Listening to Yourself. If we vow to follow that subtle voice, always and forever, we can rest assured our actions are in line with our highest selves. This is the voice of the soul (essence) and it always there to guide us, no matter how loud the voice of the ego (identity). Unfortunately, most people run as automatons, making unconscious choices based on their conditionings. However, if we nurture The Art of Listening to Ourselves, we will bring more awareness to our life decisions, consciously directing our lives towards our highest realities.

And this is how the story ends – in a lesson on restoration of a women’s intuition and instincts. No matter how deep you sank, no matter how weak you are – it is always possible to restore our intuition and restore our lives. The instructions are simple – just listen to yourselves. Just do how you feel – how you really feel, deep inside. In order to discern between the voice of the ego (loud mind chatter around desires and aversions) and the voice of the soul (subtle, persistent feeling), remember this – intuition most often speaks through your body. It is that feeling in your gut, that knot in your throat, that pain in your hips. It is subtle but persistent. Sometimes it can come from outside of the body, but the rule is simple. If we go for it, it feels good. If we ignore it, it doesn’t feel good.

I have never met a woman who doesn’t hear the voice of the intuition. No matter how subtle, it is there. It is deeply engraved in your being from the moment you were born and will continue to be there long after you die. You can hear it, you just need to decide to follow it – and your intuition will grow stronger. However, to make that decision, even when the whole world seems against it, you need to trust. Trust yourself. Or more precisely – trust the divine guidance of your soul. The universe has your back. In the end, we are nothing but the universe experiencing itself. And through intuition we can tap into that alignment, we can tap into that space. We can tap into Freedom.

Chapters of Freedom: Embrace your uniqueness

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Memories of my childhood are mixed. While I was brought up in a loving home, I was always somehow rejected by the wider surroundings. I could never fit in – I was always the weird, new kid (we used to move a lot), who didn’t go to church and who’s mom was from a “wrong” country (in a post-war ex Yugoslavia). I had very few friends who were scattered around my hometown, however, at school I was mostly bullied – it went as far as almost being deliberately drowned by the “cool kid” during school vacation or beaten up by another “cool kid” in the town center at midday.

At home I wasn’t lacking love. My parents did the best job they could, however they were also subject to their conditioning, and had biased understanding of what my soul needs in order to thrive, or how to nurture my uniqueness and support my creative expression. For example, as a Manifestor child (see Human Design), I would wander off on my own since very early age. I wouldn’t come home for hours and my parents couldn’t find me. It is understandable that my mother used to freak out from worrying, however, the consequences of repeatedly punishing such behavior, which, although in line with my intrinsic nature, was deemed as unacceptable and irresponsible by my parents, resulted in the oppression to the soul.

Growing up feeling misunderstood and unaccepted, I started to reject my outsider material – and by doing that, I also rejected my uniqueness. I was slowly molding this unique, wild nature into the most appropriate, culturally acceptable form – all in order to fit in. But I never really did. No matter how good I played the role of the “good girl”, it never felt real. Not to me, not to anyone. And I was again the outsider, only this time severely unhappier as it felt like I was rejecting and letting down my soul.

But the soul is indestructible. It patiently awaits until we wake up and call on to her. Reconnecting and reuniting with our soul, with our unique wild nature, with our being – is in line with the natural flow. All we need to do is to accept who we are – accept our uniqueness and slowly nurture it back to life. Then it will be easy for us to catch the river of creation and ride her back to the source.

Below is the excerpt from one of the my “awakening” books, Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. As is happens with such things – I have had this book in my possession for several years before I was finally ready to pick it up and receive its blessing. It happened after I gave birth to my daughter, confirming I was back on the soul track and strengthening all the flavors of the power of motherhood.

For years, women who carry the mythic life of the Wild Women archetype have silently cried. Wherever their lives wanted to burst forth, someone was there to set the ground so nothing could grow. They felt tortured by all the proscriptions against their natural desires. If they were nature children, they were kept under the roofs. If they were scientists, they were told to be mothers. If they wanted to be mothers, they were told to fit the mold entirely. If they wanted to invent something, they were told to be practical. If they wanted to create, they were told woman’s domestic work is never done. (…) Although the scenarios are endless, one thing remains constant: they were pointed out very early on as “different”, with a negative connotation. In actual fact, they were passionate, individual, inquiring, and in their right instinctive minds. (…)

While the needs of the child’s soul must be balanced with her need for safety and physical care and with carefully examined notions about “civilized behavior”, I always worry for those who are too well behaved: they often have that “faint soul” look in their eyes. Something is not right. A healthy soul shines through the persona on most days and blazes through on others. Where there is gross injury, the soul flees.

Sometimes it drifts or bolts so far away that it takes masterful propitiation to coax it back. A long time must pass before such a soul will trust enough to return, but it can be accomplished. This retrieval requires several ingredients: naked honesty, stamina, tenderness, sweetness, ventilation of rage and humor. Combined, these make a song that calls the soul back home.

Women Who Run With the Wolves

So what does your soul need? What are the basic nutrients that make the unique potion of your song to call the soul back home? They are unique to each women, but they all come from two realms: nature and creativity. The recipe of my potion goes somewhat like this:

  • A whole bundle of dancing
  • 3 measures of words, parchment and books each (preferably from the worlds beyond fantasy)
  • Large portion of good music
  • The song and the smell of moisty forest
  • A pinch of fresh ocean air
  • Pastel colors of the sunset with a touch of sparkly light reflected on the water surface
  • Monthly scoop of moonlight on the naked skin
  • A few drops of jasmine and lavender for aroma
  • My daughters laugh for the secret ingredient

All to be stirred clockwise or counter-clock wise (depending on the day) and allowed enough peace to brew at their own pace

I would like to conclude by a special plea to all my sisters in motherhood. Don’t let your child’s soul be oppressed by anything or anyone. Embrace their unique characters, no matter how quirky or unusual they are. Nurture their little souls and let them surprise you everyday with their creativity. Remember they have their own unique dreams, paths and opinions. Forget all the rules, all the expectations, all the should’ve, could’ve and would’ve. Reconsider what is deemed as “socially unacceptable”- always give your child whatever they need whenever they need it and ignore all the judgmental looks – in the end, all of those are just lost souls crying to get back home.

Chapters of Freedom

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When I was a child, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut. There was nothing more exciting then the thought of being able to explore all the mysteries hidden in the vastness of space and go beyond human experience. Although my life took off in a different direction, I still believe it will happen in the next lifetime.

Another childhood dream of mine that did become my reality was dancing. I danced for as long as I could remember. This impulse to dance never came from my thoughts, but rather from my body. As it was always here with me, so effortlessly and naturally, I didn’t bother for a long time to understand why is it that I dance.

Unfortunately, I was brought up in a culture that isn’t as supportive towards arts as it is towards “real” professions. I kept on balancing between dancing and “more serious” studies (finance) for as long as I could, however, once I got a high profile job in top tier strategy management consulting, dancing fell into the background. For two years I didn’t find the time to dance as there were “more important” things on my agenda.

What I didn’t notice at the time was how I was actually molding myself into this pre-determined corporate role, at the expense of my essential self. This dominant corporate persona was not who I really am – it was just a mere avatar that fits somebody else’s expectations. However, I started to identify with the role, accumulating anxiety around the “insecure overachiever” complex. I was exposed to chronic stress and overstimulated by adrenaline and cortisol. Exhausting my adrenal glands came with a price – I was diagnosed by Hashimoto thyroids & suffered from acute migraines.

Unfortunately these alarming signs my body was sending were not enough to wake me up. It took a more severe “shock” to pull me out of the identification loop. The pregnancy, although unexpected, came as a blessing. I was alone during my pregnancy, in the middle of the pandemic lockdown, what allowed me to immerse into a deep healing process. As I reconnected to my essential nature, I finally understood why it is that I dance.

I dance because dancing means to be myself. And to be myself means to be free.

It means to roam wild through life, reshaping your reality in accordance with your own unique imprint. It means to let go of expectations and judgement. It means to break free from socially acceptable roles and how things should be. It means to redefine your path. It means to do the things your way. It means to embrace fear and to bravely face the unknown. It means to listen to your intuition no matter what. It means to stand firmly in your own truth. It means to let go of all mind-made concepts. It means to stop taking life so seriously. It means to break free from ourselves.

It is my current path to explore different concepts of freedom and how they manifest in my life. I am at the beginning of this journey and it will make me very happy to share my adventures on this blog. Hence the series called “Chapters of freedom” – to share my truth while rediscovering the meaning of freedom and maybe even inspire you to do the same.