Being a mom is not easy. Balancing between keeping my baby happy, healthy and safe and keeping myself happy, healthy and sane is a very delicate art. I am constantly failing, learning, succeeding and then failing again; at the same time praying that her future therapy bills will at least be lower then mine. However, it is a beautiful journey and we might as well enjoy it, even with all the hardships.
As a matter of fact, the trick is in the hardships – as they provide the best platform for self-reflection and development one might ever get and thus complete the experience of parenting. There is no greater motivation then for us to grow then for the sake of our children. And as humans, we only grow through hardships.
I decided to take my experience of being a mom as a catalyzer to finally integrate some of the biggest lessons I have been sitting with for quite some time – cultivating patience, nourishing gentleness, accepting imperfection and just surrendering to what is. Here is what I am talking about:
Patience is the best remedy to every trouble
Plautus
Oh patience. The first and foremost virtue I was always struggling with. Full of energy and ideas, my way of operating is to respond to inner impulses as they arise, leaving no time or space in between. In addition, the key underlying principle of my ego can be summarized in one sentence: I want now. And I always go and get it. I also have very low tolerance for discomfort, be it physical or energetical – so (in)ability to endure peacefully is not something I would pride of. Funny enough, I have my father – as my biggest role model – as a symbol of patience. He goes through life in a strong, persistent and peaceful pace and I have never seen him get swept away by restlessness. His ability to wait patiently – be it on my mother always being late or on a big milestone event – is something I thought would never be possible for me – until I became a mom and understood this is the only way forward. If I wanted to remain happy, healthy and a content, I needed to actively cultivate the virtue of patience. That meant accepting discomfort gracefully. Letting go of some of my immediate desires and self-imposed concepts. Accepting the present with grace. Humbling down my ego. Observing and listening.
It all begins with having patience with myself. Instead of focusing on the outer source of my frustration, I tune the attention inwards and observe my inner dynamics with compassion (tip: start by focusing on your breathing during a difficult situation). In creating space for whatever arises, a clam place can be found – where I can settle as a witness and gradually prolong my levels of tolerance. Slowly, slowly, I invite patience to settle in. Through determination and perseverance we nurture our friendship – I give her welcoming space to grow and she teaches me strength and humility.
Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart
Rumi
After ‘oh patience’ comes ‘oh gentleness’. The same restless energy that is struggling with patience is also struggling with gentleness. My dynamic is quite fast, hence my energy tends to shoot out, what can sometimes be perceived as harsh, especially by a toddler. How I would hold her, how I would talk to her or move around the space in general. Nurturing gentleness requires conscious dedication to slow down, enter the present and mindfully interact with my baby. Consciously holding the soft, compassionate space as a gentle buffer for her experience and crystallizing this field through soft touch, voice or gaze.
Through cultivating such subtlety of interaction, it gets easier to read more profound cues and understand what exactly your baby needs. It also contributes to her confidence in exploring the world on her own – as she believes world is not just a safe but also a gentle place to play in.
One of the basic rules of the universe is that nothing is perfect. Perfection simply doesn’t exist. Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist.
Steven Hawking
Oh patience. Oh gentleness. Oh imperfection! Striving for perfection is impediment to growth. It can always be better and it will never be good enough exists only in our minds. Realizing this and letting go of perfectionism was my first step towards self-love and acceptance.
I have spend so much time and energy trying to get things perfect, be perfect, outperform or succeed. And no matter how many times I succeeded it was still never good enough. I would also take great pride in this commitment to “excellence and growth”, however completely oblivious that I am just looping over an ego-imposed concept and not really growing at all.
If perfection is our goal, we set ourselves up for failure. How our ego defines perfection is in a complete opposition to the nature of things – just the way they are. Becoming a mom was a great reflection point for me to finally accept my faults and failures for what they are – inevitable but equally valid as all my virtues and successes. This was possible only once I stopped judging – first myself and then others as well. I decided to love all the weak and dark parts of me and that is when I understood the power of self-integrity, compassion and forgiveness. In the end – nothing is perfect and nothing is imperfect – things are just the way they are.
If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it
Anonymous
To cultivate patience, nourish gentleness and accept imperfection were all key milestones to the greatest art of all – surrender. Only when you surrender to the wind, you can ride it. You can ride the great wave of life in all its immenseness, awe and beauty. You let the life take you to places that you wouldn’t even imagine before. You let things happen to you and align with synchronicity. You let the universe express itself through you. You take part in a constant dance of creation and destruction, remembering who you really are – not just the part of the whole but the whole itself.
Unravel Ninja 