Um je zamrljan, tezak, opijen. Ne mogu se probuditi. Ne mogu se sjetiti.
Zaboravljam.
Borim se. Odupirem se tezini, obmani, gustoci, mulju.
Ne uspjevam. Iznova me povlaci prema dolje.
Znam da spavam ali ne mogu se probuditi.
San u javi
Um je odsutan, nemiran, opsesivan, povrsan. Program radi sto na sat: U pogonu sam. Doing, doing, doing. Sto je sljedece? Jos, jos, jos. Brzo, nema vremena za gubljenje.
Sjeti se sebe.
Ego zavarava, obmanjuje dobru namjeru. Progres je nezamjetan, dok mislim da radim, samo trosim, igram njegovu igru.
Vrag mi se smije. Dok mislis da se budis, sve dublje tones u san.
Dobra namjera se vazi.
Odustajem. Ne propitkujem. Uzimam zdravo za gotovo. Jednostavno je tako.
Obiteljsko prokletstvo je force majeure negativnog naboja i kruznog usmjerenja s teznjom prema dolje.
Sve imas vec u sebi.
Tko ce, ako ne ja?
Kad gle – u pozadini – to sam opet ja.
Opet ego nesto hoce, zeli, trazi, dobiva. Jos, jos, jos. Druga strana istog novcica, vrti me u krug.
Vrag se vise ne smije. Izlaz je sada.
Izadi iz vrtuljka (ne)srece. Pusti sve za sobom. Neka bude bilo sta. Neka bude nista.
Silovita rijeka tece kroz nas, a mi ne mozemo nista.
Disi.
A wakeful dream
My dream last night.
Mind is heavy, blackened, intoxicated. I cannot wake up. I cannot remember.
Forgetfulness.
I am fighting, resisting the heaviness, deceit, density, sludge.
I have failed. I am being pulled down back again.
I know I am asleep but I cannot awaken.
A dream of the wakefulness
Mind is absent, restless, obsessives, superficial. Program is on full capacity: I am in operation. Doing, doing, doing. What next? More, more, more. Fast, there is no time to waste.
Remember thyself.
Ego is deceiving, misguiding the good intention. Progress is imperceptible, I think I am advancing, but I am just wasting, playing its game.
Devil is laughing. You believe you are awaking, but you are falling deeper asleep.
Good intention counts.
I give up. Not questioning, taking everything for granted. It’s just how it is.
Family curse is force majeure of negative charge and circular direction with a downward pull.
Everything you need you have in you.
Who will do it, if not me?
When all of the sudden – in the background – it is me again.
Again the ego wants, desires, asks, gets. More, more more. The other side of the same coin, spinning me in circles.
Devil is not laughing. The exit is now.
Exit the wheel of (un)fortune. Let everything go. Let it be as it is and as it is not.
The force of the river flows through us, and there is nothing we can do.
Manifestation is a recent “hot topic” that I stumble upon almost everywhere I look. From articles and books to online courses and one-on-one coaching on “how to manifest your reality” – it seems like more and more people are cracking the code of human mechanism. However, it also seems like a pretty good industry, preying on the basic human desire to get what we want and avoid what we don’t want. No one can teach you how to manifest – as you are already doing that just by being human. It is one of the ground rule of the Game – our reality is a product of our mind. How you perceive your reality is directly linked to what is in your mind. The more disconnected and identified we are, the more pain and misery we experience. On the other hand, the more we unravel and connect – the more we begin to live in synchronicity and with ease.
This should not scare you – it is just how it is and sooner we accept it and take responsibility over our minds, the better lives we will lead. Human nature is based on the principle of duality – hence the “negativity” is inevitable. Hardships are great – they exist so that we can learn and grow. They burn the impurities, identifications and conditionings. They unravel you towards your true self, towards the being. You might also perceive it like this: whenever a difficult situation presents itself in your life – that is just a part of your mind expressing itself so that you can let go, heal and expand. Don’t try to avoid the negativities and difficulties – it is impossible, as this is what makes us human. Embrace the challenge and next time try to approach it from a different angle – as you know that with each new hardship, you are setting yourself free.
However, we don’t need to only go through hardships to grow and expand – we have the power to unravel our minds in a more gentle way. That can be done through deliberate self-work and practice, in whatever form serves you the best. The path of yoga is my tool of choice, however, there are so many different tools today, both formal and informal, which serve towards unraveling. The only thing you need to check from time to time is the direction – is whatever you are doing to “work on yourself” leading to less, to the being, to simplification of your life; or does it add more complexity and identification to it? For example, if I am using yoga to dismantle my belief of not being good enough, but at the same time add on this “beautiful, spiritual yoga person” to my identity – it didn’t really do much.
In this direction, in this path between the awareness (the being) and the identification (the ego), lies embedded the principle of manifestation. The more we move towards the identification, the more out of alignment we feel with life. We may attract hardships or feel unsatisfied, as our reality is a solid projection of the content of our unconsciousness – and we have no idea what is there. Here is where the most manifestation techniques fail – as we cannot manifest just from our conscious mind (i.e. positive thinking or endless visualization of desired outcome) if we do not know what we hold in our unconsciousness. Our conscious mind is just a tip of the giant mind iceberg – and everything else under the surface is our unconsciousness. The mere size ratio between the two is a good indicator of which part of our mind holds the greatest power – and hence manifests the reality we experience. I am not saying you cannot change your reality by changing what you think – of course you can – but that takes quite some time and effort and is pretty difficult to completely dismantle your whole conditioning that is limiting to your reality in just one lifetime. It is like trying to move a big, heavy stone sculpture by pushing it – you will need to push really hard before it moves just an inch. All the progress achieved through such manifestation techniques is marginal compared to the energy invested. What I am saying is that there is a much faster way – there is a lever to lifting your stone sculpture just in changing how you think.
First of all, manifesting something from the position of wanting it is still manifesting from desire, from the ego. Did you ever experience how, as soon as you almost give up on your desires, they all of the sudden come to you? That is because you have started to move to the opposite direction – to the direction of awareness – and by doing so allowed the manifestation mechanism of the human mind to materialize the concept in your mind. Notice the difference – before you were manifesting from the desire, the grasp, the identification – which means pain (not getting what you want) – and by moving away from the desire, by releasing the gasp and deidentifying, you released the space for your natural manifestation powers to materialize the concept you had envisioned in the first place. Deidentifying and letting go is the key. This is how you allow yourself to drift to your natural state – the state of being, of pure awareness, from which all things emerge. And the more you progress towards the being, the more you can experience (not have – as possession is identification). You can experience anything you envision (not get what you want) – because the awareness is plenty – it is all there is. By doing so, you allow life to surprise you by brining you experiences your ego-self does not even have the capacity to imagine. You experience so much more then you could have ever wanted. You surrender yourself to life – you become what you are – the vessel of the limitless creation experiencing itself. Check your direction guys, that’ all there is to it.
With an overflow of different “spiritual” paths and techniques on the “market” today, it can be particularly confusing to both experienced and new minds when deciding on which road to take. If you bring into the equation general recommendation to stick to one school – as constant jumping between is impediment to real progress – one may feel lost and eventually demotivated from cultivating dedicated practice.
We should start by aligning on the ultimate “goal” – which is that of liberation. There are different paths that lead to liberation, however, there are even more paths that lead nowhere. In order to differentiate between those, one needs to cultivate a meticulous habit of keeping the ego in check. Ego will play all tricks up its sleeve in order to avoid its own dissolution – and liberation implies dissolution of the ego.
The direction of any true practice is toward untangling the layers of illusion thus overcoming the false sense of self.
p.s. ego = the false sense of self
Although it is still an over-simplified statement, it does provide a good baseline for doing frequent checks while we progress, in order to make sure we are on track. We want to make sure of the direction we are heading. Is my practice lessening the grips of my conditioning and identification withtemporary concepts that the ego mistakenly takes for its own identity, for the big “I”? Or is my practice driven by the ego itself?
These frequent check-ins are necessary because the more we practice, the trickier ego gets. For example, you might start to practice due to some form of dissatisfaction or negativity in your life. As you progress, you may start to feel better about yourself and notice how your life is changing accordingly. Although that is great, it is still not the point, and that is when we should become extra careful, as it provides for a fertile ground for strengthening yet another aspect of the ego – its identification with spirituality.
So-called “spiritual ego” is a chronic condition of 21st century spiritualism. It is a trap that awaits for all of us that are on the path and if we are not aware of the challenge, we will most likely fall into it. How does this happen? Well, instead of stripping the “I” and deidentifying from the concepts, ultimately accepting its impermanence, we do the opposite – we continue to add more concepts to it. Now we are “getting there”, we are “good”, if not even “enlightened”. We “understand how things work”, we have the “solution”, the “remedy”. Our path is the “right one” – and very often, other paths are “lesser” or even “wrong” (hello religious wars and prosecutions!). And what is especially dangerous here, our practice starts to dissolute, eventually loosing its purpose and becoming a mere playground for the games of the ego. Our paths suddenly lead nowhere, but we still believe we are heading there and that we are doing the work.
I have personally wasted several years of my practice doing “work” that was not that, but just the ego entertaining itself. I would sit in what I believed to be meditation and indulge in various “visions”, getting completely lost in the story in my head, just the ones within the “spiritual”, “ethereal” genre. There was also a period in my ashtanga practice when I was focusing solely on asanas, wanting to conquer the next asana and then the next asana (Gotta catch ’em all, Pokemon!) and feeling so good about myself afterwards. It took some turmoil to realize that even yoga will only strengthen what isinside – and if I don’t keep my ego in check, it will just strengthen the ego.
What really made a difference is to change the perspective and focus on meticulous inner observance of concepts and identifications. Observing the voice in my head, realizing it is just that – a voice in my head – and taking space from it. Observing how the ego comes up with different concepts, identifies with them and then adds opposing concepts to the initial concept it created, causing inner distress but basically just entertaining itself. Loosening the great self-importance. Deidentifying with the roles and storylines. Stopping to take myself so serious. Lessening the judgement towards myself and towards the other. Accepting what is. Being present. Strengthening the awareness (Gurdjieff’s “remember thyself”) and tapping into space consciousness.
Any practice that guides you and/or gives you tool to cultivate such perspectives is more likely to point towards liberation then the one that keeps on inflating the ego under different “spiritual” concepts. For example – the traditional Buddhist and yogic meditations in which we aim to strengthen our presence by cultivating focused and prolonged attention on the anchor object of choice (breath / body sensations / mantra / etc.), observing the thoughts as they come and go and not engaging into them – evidently cultivate healthy perspectives helpful towards liberation.
In general, we should strive towards tradition and simplicity in practice, performing frequent sanity checkups. Here is a three-point self-check I tend to do before and while doing any kind of practice:
Is this here, rather then there?
Is this less rather then more?
Is this Being rather then I?
Remember, the ego is tricky but quite predictable. As long as it is some form of “I-ness”, it is still there, creeping in the dark and waiting for the opportunity to strengthen its position. Yes – it is the general condition of humanity and hence necessary for operating in this reality – however, we should still keep it healthy and in check. So when choosing your path and your practice, make sure to often go back to the baseline and be ruthlessly honest to yourself – am “I” really doing the work or am I just kidding myself? It will save you energy, time and money and ultimately bring simplicity and ease into your life. And finally, once you realize how everything is just a grand joke, I promise you will laugh like never before.
Freedom comes in many shapes and forms. It can be found in colors of the sunset, smell of the forest after the rain or sound of child’s laughter. It can be felt with your bare feet touching the Earth or while gazing at the stars. It can be pursued outside, however, it can only be found inside.
Freedom is a state of mind – a mind that is liberated from the grip of its conditioning. To arrive there means to understand there is nowhere to arrive. It takes many lifetimes, yet it happens in the split of a second. Several paths lead to freedom – the path of yoga, Buddhism, grace, devotion, loss and restoration…
Today I want to write about loss and restoration – and not just any, but those typical to “modern” woman – loss and restoration of her intuition and instinct.
Although the definitions of intuition vs instinct differ, both are deeply interconnected. Intuition is a deep, intrinsic knowledge without obvious deliberation. Instinct is a natural tendency to behave in a particular way. Both arise from the same place and both are languages through which the soul speaks to the mind.
If not nourished enough, both intuition and instinct can subside into deeper layers of our being, widening the gap between the ego (identity) and the self (essence). The wider the gap, the less are were in alignment with life. We may experience a series of unfortunate events, missteps or failures, all seemingly out of our control. On the other hand, if the ego is a vehicle of the self, we will be in alignment with the universe, effortlessly navigating this reality according to the soul input. Our ventures will flourish, as we will create and live with ease.
Two factors precede withdrawal of intuition and instinct – culture and conditioning. Our western culture is especially repressive to these intrinsic abilities. Analytical thinking is clearly favored to intuitive feeling, humans (and especially women) are required to adapt to linear measurement of time, contrary to their cyclical nature, and we are exposed daily to externalities harmful for our optimal mind-body balance. The mainstream life of “modern woman” is taking her further and further away from her wild, intrinsic nature, as it requires adaptation to predominantly masculine ways, in exchange for societal approval and acknowledgment. However, the main hardship to overcoming both cultural as well as personal obstacles to restoration of one’s intuition and instinct comes through our conditioning and subsequent refusal to face our fears.
Let me tell you a story of a young girl in her mid-20s. Still in her maiden archetype, she was still quite inexperienced and somewhat oblivious to the “dangers” of the real world. On top of that, she never received proper guidance nor had the opportunity to hear the wisdom of older, more experienced women – the system around her was just not set up that way. Her mother, as too many mothers today, was also oblivious to the same dangers – and she was never educated to understand her role in guiding her young. The sisterhood around her was still under a spell of rivalry, with women advised to perceive other women as their adversaries, rather then embrace them as sisters.
One day the girl was walking down the street and bumped into a tall, dark stranger. She thought nothing special of him, so she briefly mumbled the apology and continued her way. Next day, she was walking down the same street and bumped into the same guy again. This time she looked up, smiled to the coincidence but still continued her way, her mind being preoccupied with so many other things. The day after, she was again walking down the same street, except this time the stranger bumped into her. She stopped, looked up and felt a slight, trembling contraction in her gut. Before having time to acknowledge the feeling in her body, she got distracted by his hypnotizing words penetrating her mind. Third time is a charm.Can I buy you coffee?
Before she new it, they were already on a third date. She couldn’t quite read him yet, however, she thought it made him even more mysterious and attractive. That slight contraction in her gut was trembling faster, however, she mistakenly took it for excitement. He was persistent in courting her – showering her with attention, buying her presents and taking her to exciting weekend getaways. He was quite handsome and even more charming, and the sex was A-mazing. So with the first signs that something was off, she willingly decided to look into another direction – the direction of her hopeful expectations and the fairytale she always longed for. So what if he is a bit controlling? That just makes him more “manly”. So what if he is a bit coldish? I am sure I can help him open up to love.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Slowly but surely, she was sinking deeper and before she knew it – she was in deep over her head. What started as “a bit controlling” and “a bit coldish” unraveled into total dominance and complete emotional detachment. He was taking over her life, feeding on her energy and preying on her low self-worth. She was stuck in the victim mentality, completely unable to escape his mind games. She deliberately decided to repress the feeling in her gut, over and over again, convincing herself things are going to get better, only if…
But only ifs never happen. Things never change – men like this never change. They are manipulators and predators, for whatever sad reasons. The reasons don’t matter – as our job is not to save but to evade them. The reasons don’t matter – as women find themselves in abusive relationships not because of the men, but because of their conditionings and ignorance of their intuitive guidance.
We co-create such situations as they force us to face our fears and release limited conditionings. If we are willing to do so, we set ourselves free. However, if we are unwilling to face our shadows, we might stay entrapped or repeat same bad choices over and over again – until we finally decide to let go.
The role of intuition and instinct in regaining our freedom from our deepest conditioning is essential. That is why I call it The Art of Listening to Yourself. If we vow to follow that subtle voice, always and forever, we can rest assured our actions are in line with our highest selves. This is the voice of the soul (essence) and it always there to guide us, no matter how loud the voice of the ego (identity). Unfortunately, most people run as automatons, making unconscious choices based on their conditionings. However, if we nurture The Art of Listening to Ourselves, we will bring more awareness to our life decisions, consciously directing our lives towards our highest realities.
And this is how the story ends – in a lesson on restoration of a women’s intuition and instincts. No matter how deep you sank, no matter how weak you are – it is always possible to restore our intuition and restore our lives. The instructions are simple – just listen to yourselves. Just do how you feel – how you really feel, deep inside. In order to discern between the voice of the ego (loud mind chatter around desires and aversions) and the voice of the soul (subtle, persistent feeling), remember this – intuition most often speaks through your body. It is that feeling in your gut, that knot in your throat, that pain in your hips. It is subtle but persistent. Sometimes it can come from outside of the body, but the rule is simple. If we go for it, it feels good. If we ignore it, it doesn’t feel good.
I have never met a woman who doesn’t hear the voice of the intuition. No matter how subtle, it is there. It is deeply engraved in your being from the moment you were born and will continue to be there long after you die. You can hear it, you just need to decide to follow it – and your intuition will grow stronger. However, to make that decision, even when the whole world seems against it, you need to trust. Trust yourself. Or more precisely – trust the divine guidance of your soul. The universe has your back. In the end, we are nothing but the universe experiencing itself. And through intuition we can tap into that alignment, we can tap into that space. We can tap into Freedom.
Unravel Ninja 